sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize