FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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