OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
