i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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