The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
