Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
