what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Everything about him screamed your future.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
