i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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