I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
