When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
