we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
