So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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