Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
