the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
