Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
