you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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