Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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