i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
