The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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