She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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