I've blown a few things in my day
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
