dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Drunk walkin through police station. America
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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