You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize