Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
