I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
