my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
