I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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