i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Are my feet made of real feet?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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