See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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