I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
