Don't make out with my wife yet
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just tell him i said nine months
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Randomize
