So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
