I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
the day after is always just damage control
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
