somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
