I accidentally had phone sex last night
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
