He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
