haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
