I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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