I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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