She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
