so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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