last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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