when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
