New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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