...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
