i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
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