I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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