i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
