Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
