Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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