Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Randomize
