Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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