so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
