guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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