We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
