Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
